Thank you, Miura
An ode to Berserk and how dark fantasy changed my life.
I have always been someone who is easily attracted by visuals. Pretty things. Neon. That kind of thing that stands out from the crowd. It wasn’t by chance that I studied Digital Design instead of Computer Science. I wanted to study a course, have a job and be in an environment that allowed me to express myself visually no matter how. Meaning dyeing my hair, wearing all sorts of weird clothes, piercings and tattoos.
When I was younger, I was affected by all of that without notice, in a way that I would never imagine. As an old good default nerd person, a fan of Japanese pop-culture, one day I found in one bookstore in Liberdade, a Japanese neighbourhood in Sao Paulo, a guy blind from one eye bearing a colossal sword.
It wasn’t big. It wasn’t huge. It was a colossus. You could feel the weight of it just by looking. The grip was small and thin, which only made the needed effort to lift that thing stands out.
I thought “Wow. Here we have a strong guy”
That was Guts. Gatsu in the original Japanese pronunciation. A guy who had me at first sight, but always kept his distance.
It took me something like 5 years, maybe even more until I had my first experience with his story. And with Miura’s magic pen.
I was not that young anymore.
I knew what Berserk was.
I knew it was very beautiful and aggressive.
I did remember many huge monsters, but I knew almost nothing about the narrative.
Until one day when my parents went out for a trip and I stayed home alone.
And here is important to highlight ALONE, because I come from a conservative Christian family, and those who know Berserk or have a family like that know it won’t be easy to explain all the rape, torture, mutilation and devilish ceremonies on the tv.
Anyway, I had this opportunity and dove deep into this dark world.
I went to see what was out there. And never came back.
I binge-watched all the 25 episodes, one after the other. It was Saturday afternoon and I could not stop after starting it. Not even to eat. I swallowed and was swollen by the plot and soundtrack. And I have to say, Susumu Hirasawa, the anime original soundtrack composer, did with Berserk what Vangelis did with Blade Runner.
No spoilers for those who never watched (but hey, c’mon! 2021. GO WATCH IT!): it’s a tale about a boy’s life, born in the war from a dead mother. He never knew what was to be loved and always, ALWAYS had to find his own way through life by himself. Everything changes after meeting a group of mercenaries who gives some sense to his existence. Then it’s all downhill from there, literally, ending up in Hell.
On my first time watching it, I was not breathing anymore when I was halfway with the series. I remember how shocked I was by the feelings I had due to the conflict among the characters. People who have built their lives and careers together cheating each other. Friends fighting, breaking apart and becoming rivals due to greed. Dreams and goals being prioritized over people and feelings, just like the poet say “when people become things, heads turn into steps”.
The best part of it was the extremely confusing feeling I had due to all the emptiness that took me over during Sunday morning while listening to Waiting so long by Silver Fins for the last time.
I couldn’t explain why I felt like I had missed something. And the funniest part, by that time, it seemed to be a bad feeling. Something like when we break up a relationship or lose a friend. But the feeling I kept was something good and unique. Especial.
I never ever felt the same. Even nowadays.
After that day, I watched the original show many times. And the feeling was varying a bit in intensity, but always kept affecting me in a similar way.
I watched the OVAs. And it took me many years until I reached the manga. In Brazil, they were really expensive and it wasn’t easy to find them online. (Sorry Miura. I’m that kind of fan who doesn’t pay the authors once in a while. A matter for another chat, at another time.)
Only after reading all the mangas, I started to understand why I always had this deep void rushing inside me every time I watched the series.
The manga goes way deeper in the story, and even goes beyond. Answers many open questions from the anime. But that was not yet the reason for my void. To my emptiness. Just being curious about the story.
After going beyond, spending more time following Guts path, I realized we had much in common. I loved to do things by myself. I always had a hard time if I had to depend on others or have to wait for someone for me to be able to do something in my life, no matter what.
Then I finally understood. When I looked at Guts, I was looking in the mirror. I saw myself there. Way more handsome and idealised in the series, of course. But still, I felt like it was me. Every time I finished watching it over and over again, it was a piece of me going away. When the story arch was left in a cliffhanger, it was part of my life that was put on hold.
Besides dealing with everything on my own, I had friends. A very select group of 5 people who grew up with me. But was dismantled with time due to many reasons. Even with a life reasonably ok for Brazilian standards, I had my night demons tormenting me every time the sun went down, ruining my sleep. They needed an exorcism but even after a few tries, they would stick around me.
And then, as everything I found out about Berserk and me, it took me a while to realize that Guts had my personality. Or that I have shaped mine based on what I saw there. The hero ideal. The independent lone-wolf, who always finds his way out of all trouble, no matter how big it is nor how many arms it might have.
That’s when I understood even more about Miura’s work and something very important: the brand of sacrifice. The rune that marks Guts as a target to be hunted and haunted. It wasn’t only a symbol. A mark to give away the hero to the bad guys.
The brand is also the essence of guts, this time with small letters, from the English language. “The balls”. The bravery. The will to do what needs to be done, whenever it is. The visceral will above all things, that makes you rip one arm off just to fulfil your mission and lock the wolf on its chain. Because that’s what you do. You deliver. You get things done.
And Guts, the characters, haven’t got that brand out of anywhere. But because he was the kind of person who could bear it. Even though it would mean hordes and hordes of enemies coming from hell to hunt him down. For him, that would never be a problem. He can take it. He is Guts.
That’s what Berserk told me. There are situations when I need to do what needs to be done. Because if I don’t do it, no one else will. And why me? Why always me? Well, because I can take it.
Thank you, Miura, for always reminding me about the strength that lives inside us and is usually forgotten, but can turn us into berserks when put to work. And you know. Nothing can stop a berserk and its frenzy.
Rest in peace.
